


If Kanon were Gay

by Hiddenhikari



Category: Umineko no Naku Koro ni | When the Seagulls Cry
Genre: Avenue Q, M/M, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 19:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiddenhikari/pseuds/Hiddenhikari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Kanon were gay, Battler would be okay!</p><p>Song fic for Avenue Q's "If You Were Gay"</p><p>*old story*</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Kanon were Gay

Kanon sat alone in the servant room. He stared out at the rain, everyone was busy preparing for the supper for the family since everyone had arrived and had told Kanon to make sure all the rooms were clean. He had finished rather quickly and was now sitting on his bed, "Ahh…an afternoon alone with my favorite book: Famous Servants of the 1940's." He said to himself, this was a first, after all. "No clumsy sister to bother me. How could it get any better than this?"

"Oh, hi Kanon!" Battler said, opening the door and waving to him.

"…Hi Master Battler…" Kanon mumbled, unhappy.  _Why is he here!_

"Hey Kanon, you'll never guess what happened to me during supper today!" Battler said, sitting on the bed next to Kanon. "George, he started  _smiling_  at me and _talking_  to me!"

"Hm, that's _very_ interesting…" Kanon said, engrossed in the book.

"He was being  _real_  friendly, and, hah, I think he was coming on to me!" Battler continued. He laughed slightly, "I think he might've thought that  _I_  was  _gay_!"

Kanon looked up from his book, starting to get slightly annoyed, "Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Hm? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for supper today?" He said, changing the subject.

"Oh…you don't have to get all defensive about it, Kanon…" Battler said, looking down at the bed.

"I'm NOT getting defensive!" Kanon practically yelled at Battler, his book falling to the bed and losing his spot. He took a deep breath and looked down, "What do I care if George is gay, okay? I'm trying…to read!" He picked the book back up and started flipping through the pages, looking for his spot.

"Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Kanon, I just think it's something we should be able to talk about!" Battler said, looking at Kanon and smiling.

"I don't want to talk about, Master Battler!" Kanon interrupted, speaking very fast, "This conversation is OVER!" He said, with probably the most emotion to ever exit his mouth.

"Yeah, but Kanon…"

"OVER!"

"Well…okay, but just so you know…" Battler said, scooting closer to Kanon on the bed and looking at him. "If you were gay, that'd be okay! I mean 'cause, hey, I'd like you anyway!" Kanon sighed deeply, closing his book, realizing this conversation was NOT over. "Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay! But I'm not gay!"

"Master Battler, please! I am trying to read…" Kanon said, gesturing toward the book.

Battler tilted his head and stared at Kanon, smiling as he noticed the cute way his lips almost became a smile when he found his spot.

Kanon glanced to his side and saw Battler, "WHAT!"

"If you were queer…"

"Ah, Master Battler!"

"I'd still be here!" Battler's voice had now gone from a speaking voice to a slightly singing voice.

"Master Battler, I am trying to read this book." Kanon explained, trying to blow up on him.

"YEAR AFTER YEAR!"

"BATTLER!"

"Because you're dear to me!" Battler said, looking at Kanon and obviously noticing he had lost the 'master' part of his name.

"AGH!" Kanon said, now sliding off the other side of the bed.

"And I know that you…" Battler continued, following after him.

"What…?" Kanon turned and looked at him.

"Would except me, too!" Battler placed his hand on Kanon's shoulders, looking him directly in the eyes.

Kanon blushed and looked down, "I would?"

"If I told you today, 'Hey, guess what? I'm gay!' But I'm not gay!" Battler explained, pointing a finger into Kanon's face. "I'm happy, just being with you!" Battler sang, sitting on Kanon's bed again. "So what should it matter to me, what you do in bed with guys…?" Battler asked, jumping up from the bed.

"Master Battler, that's GROSS!" Kanon pleaded, sighing and turning away from him.

"No, it's not! If you were gay…"

"Aggghhh…"

"I'd shout 'HORRAY!'" Battler said, waving his arms in the air and then let them fall around Kanon's neck and his head resting on his shoulder.

"I am not listening!" Kanon yelled, hands over his ears.

"And here I'd stay!"

"La la la la la!"

"But I wouldn't get in your way…" Battler said, dropping his arms, even though they still rested on Kanon's hips.

"AHH!" Kanon shrieked, slapping his arms away from him and taking a few stepps away toward the door.

"You can count on me!" Battler sand, running toward the door and standing in front of it, "To always be, beside you everyday! To tell you it's okay! You were just born that way! And as they say, it's in your DNA, you're gay!" Battler yelled, reaching out and pulling Kanon toward him and holding his head against his chest.

"BUT I'M NOT GAY!" Kanon yelled, hitting Battler and trying to struggle away.

"If you WERE gay!" Battler yelled, pulling Kanon's face closer to his own.

"AGH!" Kanon yelled in fear before his lips were pulled up to Battler's and the two were locked in a passionate kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> this is old  
> I thought this was actually pretty good rereading it until that last line but Im just not sure of any other way to end this beauty.


End file.
